Doctors Successfully Use iPhone as Artificial Heart, Save Man's Life

Doctors at John's Hopkins Hospital saved the life of Marvin Crimm, 67, by using Apple's new iPhone as a makeshift artificial heart. Crimm had been on the waiting list for a heart transplant, but could not match with a donor. Luckily for Crimm, his inevitable heart failure coincided with the launch of a sexy, dazzling new technology gadget that houses enough computing power to replace the human heart.

Crimm's savior was a young doctor named David Sloop - a self-acknlowledged 'tech head' who stood in line for nine hours to get his iPhone. There were only two stores in all of Baltimore that were going to have the phone, so Sloop grabbed a sleeping bag and ended up second in line at the Towson Towne Centre Apple store - which had ten phones available for sale.

"Yeah, I like gadgets and internet stuff, and I'm a doctor, so I shelled out six hundred for the iPhone," Sloop said. "But I never thought it would help me pull off a medical miracle hours later."

That medical miracle came when Crimm's heart stopped - just seconds before Sloop started his night shift, still with the new iPhone in his pocket.


Dr. Sloop Installing the iPhone in Crimm's Chest Cavity


Crimm was rushed to the emergency room, where doctors raced to get the iPhone in place. "I knew the iPhone emitted a constant electrical charge of 1.25 voltz, which is precisely the same electric current of the human heart," Sloop recalled. "So I figured, if we could get this sucker implanted in the guy's chest, he just might have a chance to live. Of course, the battery life is only 8 hours of talk time, so he probably won't live too long."

Sloop said he took advantage of the many iPhone features during the surgery.

"The two megapixel camera provided stunning photos of the chest cracking and internal bleeding. I snapped off some good ones that I'll post on Flickr later this week," Sloop said. "I had already preloaded some Nickelback and Puddle of Mudd into the iPod feature, so we were jamming the time his dead heart was being extracted. And the internet function is amazing."

Added Sloop:"I was blogging the whole time, right up until we sewed him up."

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Detroit Police Chief: Jaywalking Problem is 'Out of Control'

In what has been called an 'epidemic', the city of Detroit continues to cope with a sharp rise in jaywalking crime over the last five years that has plagued its citizens and police force. Detroit police Chief Emma Bully-Cummings has declared a state of emergency for the Woodward Corridor section of downtown Detroit, where historic Woodward Avenue splits the city's notorious and violent ghetto, and criminals cross the road freely without regard for motorists and crosswalks.

"It's motherfucking ridiculous," said Bully-Cummings in a news conference. "These people have the nerve to commit a heinous crime right in broad daylight. Sooner or later we'll get you. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or by 2009, but we'll get you."

In a city paralyzed by violent crime, Bully-Cummings stated that the rampant jaywalking is 'number one on our task force list' and reiterated that she is moving law enforcement resources to address the issue.

"We only have 23 police officers for the whole city and we're pulling those officers off their regular beats of drug dealers and rapists to get this jaywalking problem solved," Bully-Cummings said. "If criminals are prevented from walking to the scene of an eventual crime, then we kill two birds with one stone. A drug dealer can't sell crack to 4th graders if he's busted on his way to the school for jaywalking"

Bully-Cummings also said the city has enacted a reward system for police officers that nab a jaywalker.

"We can now offer a free 7-11 slushy for every jaywalker that ends up behind bars," Bully-Cummins said proudly.

Added Bully-Cummings, "Although the only flavor we can offer is blueberry blast."


A Detroit area street notorious for jaywalking

Copyright 2007
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Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan Are Happy, Dating

In a newly released home video, Hollywood star Kevin Bacon and basketball legend Michael Jordan can be seen cavorting around their lovepad, while playfully horsing around and shooting hoops. The video, which was leaked by a friend of the couple, is confirmation of a long-suspected relationship between the pair and another case of celebrity privacy becoming public.

The amateur video, which was obtained by TBIAB, has several scenes:

- Bacon is working on his high post game at he couple's shared basketball hoop. Thinking he is alone, he turns to shoot as Jordan comes out of nowhere to block the shot. Afterwords, they share an adoring, goofy look.

- Next, Bacon is returning to the house after a night on the town. He playfully tosses his keys, only to have Jordan sgain swat them away. Afterwords, they share an affectionate laugh.

- Later, Bacon is having trouble with some song lyrics. Jordan senses his frustration and playfully swats the crupled paper away from the waste basket. After words, they french for awhile.



While both Bacon and Jordan declined to comment, past interviews with the two indicated there was something going on that was more than just a 'guy friend' thing.

"I love that game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon," Jordan gushed in a 2004 interview with Playboy. "I've seen all his movies and just think he's the bomb."

Bacon returned the compliment in a 2005 Maxim interview. "I love the game of basketball, and didn't really know it until I saw Michael Jordan play. The way his body always moves in all the right ways at the right times is truly jaw dropping."

While we continue to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, it seems that Michael Jordan is playing one degree from Bacon's heart.

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Bush Shares Vital Information with Iraq Troops

Copyright 2007
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TBIAB: Where are they now?

The Other Guy in Wham

Throughout the 1980's, Andrew Ridgeley captivated millions alongside George Michael in the pop-synth behemouth Wham!. When the group broke up over creative differences in 1986, George Michael launched an uber-successful solo career, not to mention countless public bathroom homosexual encounters.

Ridgeley, on the other hand, slowly faded from the international spotlight and adoring throngs of teenage girls. By 1988 he was out of the music business altogether. Nearly broke after losing his fortune to a cockfighting gambling addiction, Ridgeley was on the verge of a major change.

On a hot summer day in 1989, Ridgeley was drinking heavily at Disneyworld. After spending an hour staring at the costumed characters, and their large, oversized bobbly heads, Ridgeley had an idea that would change his life. After recovering from his bender, Ridgeley went home to England and began working on his idea. Seven months later, the first Bobblehead was born.


Ridgeley, wearing shoulder pads

Ridgeley had carved a likeness of his longtime Wham! bandmate George Michael out of vulcanized plastic. Remembering the large-headed costumes from Disneyworld, Ridgeley purposely enlarged the had and set it on a wobbly spring he found in his workshop. When he set the statue down and touched the top, George Michael's head bobbled back and forth, over and over. Ridgeley squealed in delight.

"I couldn't believe it. Once I saw his head bobbing back and forth like that, I knew it was something America would be interested in," said Ridgeley.

Initially, Ridgeley wanted to create Bobbleheads of past historical Parliamentary figures. It was only after American toy company JustCo. convinced Ridgeley to use the idea for sports figures that his idea took off.

Today, Ridgeley's idea can be seen in most major cities around the world and on five continents. His net worth is valued at over $11 billion, placing him amongst the richest men of the world. He consistently refuses offers to re-form Wham!.


Yes, it exists.



Copyright 2007
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United Nations Stops Hollywood Adoption Frenzy

'Jolie and Pitt will Adopt Foreign Highways Instead'

In an unprecedented move, the United Nations has prohibited Hollywood stars from adopting any more foreign children. Several UN members were alarmed at the current adoption spree perpetrated famous Americans, in particular Angelina Jolie, who recently took a child from Vietnam and started calling him Pax.

"We didn't have a lot on our plate, and finally got around to doing something about this international problem," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon. "To take these children and put them in a place where there is such hate and corruption, like America, is not right."

In response the UN adopted resolution #1540-J, dubbed 'The Shore Standard", which strictly prohibits anyone with a Q score higher than Pauly Shore from adopting a non-American child.


Jolie escaping with Pax in a $110,000 car

Jolie and Pitt remain undeterred from trying to make a better life for those stuck in a third world country. In response to the UN resolution, the power couple announced they would begin adopting roads and highways instead of children, an act normally reserved for Kiwanis Clubs and high school athletic teams.

"Even though roads can't cuddle up and make you feel as though your hollow, meaningless life of glitz and glam is somewhat purposeful, both Brad and I feel that adopting roads and highways is the best way we can continue to make a difference in this world," Jolie said from her multi-million dollar housing compound in the Hollywood Hills.

"We were somewhere in southern North Vietnam on mushrooms," Jolie recalled. "Brad and I made love under this beautiful waterfall, his muscles rippling while I embraced his manhood. After we finished I was wandering the hills and I stumbled upon this little road. It was nothing more than a trail really, but it was amazing. I bonded with this road from deep inside my mind, you know? Anyways, I decided I had to have it. It wasn't a child, but it'll do."

"We got three kids before they closed the doors on us," she added.


Jolie and Pitt's new road - named "Fiax"


Jolie said the couple also plans on adopting a highway in Cambodia that has not been repaved or cleaned in over twenty years, and Jolie became enamored with it when Pitt pulled over to urinate during a long road trip through Phnem Penh.

"I remember when Brad went to pee on that highway, and I had really bonded with it, you know?" Jolie recalled. "I screamed at Brad to stop and he peed all over his $900 boots. That was ironical, ya know?"

"And now that highway is all mine, I own it," Jolie added.

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

TBIAB Interview: Chewing the grass with Vanilla Ice

[Editors Note: Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) contacted TBIAB and offered an interview so he could promote his newest business venture. The following is a phone interview with our Los Angeles Bureau.]

TBIAB: So, what would you like to tell us about?

Vanilla: My new business, yo.

TBIAB: Ok. So what is it?

Vanilla: Goats, homie. I got a website where you can rent a flock of goats n' shit.

TBIAB: Excuse me?

Vanilla: I was peepin' this article about these goats that eat all this shit on the ground, and peeps be renting them n' shit to clear out land of shrubbery and weeds n' shit.

TBIAB: ok...

Vanilla: So I bought me up hella flocks of goats, in like, three countries. And you can rent them from my website.

TBIAB: Which is...

Vanilla: What?

TBIAB: What's the website?

Vanilla: www.flockofgoatsnshit.com

TBIAB: We'll pass that along to our readers. Has the goat venture been successful yet?

Vanilla: We had a guy who rented a few in Des Moines. But then he just ate them.

TBIAB: Sounds great. So what else have you been up to?

Vanilla: Well, I've sold twenty million records worldwide since 1990, so just blowin' cash n' shit.

TBAIB: ok...

Vanilla: I cry myself to sleep.

TBIAB: Thanks for calling, bye-bye now.


Wow.

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

An Open Letter to Television

Dear Television,

We know you're scared, and you have every right to be.

The internet is a spiffy new sports car, zipping through cyberspace while everyone stares with amazement and wants to catch a ride. You're an old stagecoach, a dog and pony show plodding along the same tired trails year after year while folks turn their backs in droves. How can you be expected to compete?

Folks were glued to your screen because you were the only screen around. Families gathered around your glow and watched whatever you said they should watch. But there's a new screen in town, and you know it. For decades, advertisers pumped you full of money - billions of dollars - which kept you relevant, fat and happy. Now, websites are stealing money right out of your back pocket...and not just a twenty here and there - but tens of millions.

Thanks to the dilution of anything remotely funny, dramatic or visceral, your content is not longer relevant. Any show with a smidgen of intelligence is filtered, changed, reworked, over-analyzed and ultimately cancelled. That's not your fault either, we know that. while you are tied down by every network executive, focus group and outside opinion that could influence even the smallest shred of creativity, the internet has no filter. It has no limits. That in itself makes you obsolete.

We had some great times. The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. The moon landing. The last episode of MASH, and all those Superbowls. In fact, people were paying you millions of dollars for less than a minute of your time, but now your business model is failing.

Of course your natural reaction was to turn the mirror back on ourselves, which explains the inundation of reality TV. If we can't watch the shows we really want, then we must watch ourselves, right?

Wrong.

We can watch whatever we want. Just not on television. We can have opinions on, and influence, what we watch. Just not on television. Finally, and most importantly, we can create our own content, regardless of if appeals to ten or ten million people. Just not on television.

Sorry, old friend. In the next five years you will die at the hands of the internet. Don't be sad, it was a life well-lived. Sixty years of laughs, tears, joy and pain that brought us all together as a country.

But now we're all together as a planet.

Good luck in the future, enjoy your retirement.

Regards,

Humanity

PS - One suggestion - how about some continuity in these last few years? Don't put a show on, take it off, show reruns, switch days, switch time slots, take it off the air for three weeks – only to tell us no one is watching. We want to watch. You just make it difficult. Help us help you.

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

TBIAB: A Quickie in the Bathroom with Ann Coulter

(Editors Note: A TBIAB reporter was using the bathroom in an Olive Garden outside Los Angeles and realized Ann Coulter was in the next stall. The following is his short interview.)

TBIAB: You're generally known for outrageous soundbites and racy interviews, but many of your fans and detractors don't know that you are also a woman of science.

Coulter: That's right. I'm one of the world's foremost authorities on Soricomorpha Soricidae, otherwise known as the shrew.

TBIAB: Fascinating. Tell me something about the shrew.

Coulter: Well, some species are venomous, which is uncommon amongst the Soricidae. But otherwise the shrew is a timid and meager animal that forrages for food day and night to supply a hyper-metabolism. Some people find them fascinating.

TBIAB: ...

Coulter: And it uses echolocation, like a bat, to locate and zone in on prey. The shrew diet is mostly comprised of insects, worms, nuts and other low-lying vegetation and undergrowth left behind by animals higher on the food chain.

TBIAB: ...

Coulter: ...

TBIAB: Despite your "fame" you've been single for years. How's that working out for you?

Coulter: ...


Coulter, yelling horrible things at a fan; The common shrew

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

The TBIAB Interview: Henry Kissinger Moves On

TBIAB: Henry, you've decided to sell your prized-winning Beanie Baby collection, which some call the best in the world. Why?

Kissinger: It was time to say goodbye. I had eleven magical years with the litt'l babes, but there comes a point in a relationship where you love something so much, it just...

(Editore's note: At this point, Kissinger left the interview for twenty minutes, during which his assistant made several trips in and out of the room to get kleenex.)

TBIAB: Should we continue?

Kissinger: Yes, I need to talk about this. I decided to sell my babies because sometimes there is a fine line between hobby and obsession. You see, early on I accquired the royal blue Peanut Elephant. Little did I know, that cute little guy was rarer than unopened original packaged Starwars ROTJ 65-Luke Skywalker AFA 80 . Little Peanut slept by my side for many cold nights, she was the cutest little elephant you've ever seen. I noticed my fancy tended to lean towards what collectors call 'Tush Tag' babies, the ones with the tags on their rump, so I got the first five genrations of those.

TBIAB: How many Beanie Babies is that?

Kissinger: Five-hunderd and thirty.


Kissinger, pondering a handshake

TBIAB: Rival dealers are calling your collection the Holy Grail of the Beanie Baby world. You have every rare piece to come on the scene since 1996. What's your favorite?

Kissinger: (long pause) Can I even answer that question? Let's just say that Quackers the Duck and a good bottle of California Pinot has got me through many a sleepless night. Oh, and FYI, I liked Pinot before that movie Sideways came out.

TBIAB: Henry, during your illustrious career you pioneered the policy of Détente with the Soviet Union, and you implemented a policy of Vietnamization that aimed to gradually withdraw U.S. troops while expanding the combat role of the Army of the Republic of Vietnam (ARVN) so that it would be capable of independently defending South Vietnam against the National Front for the Liberization of South Vietnam and North Vietnamese army.

Kissinger: (laughing) Yes, those were the days.

TBIAB: What do you consider your greatest accomplishment in life?

Kissinger: Without a doubt, it was when I acquired the Billionaires Bear which was only given to high-ranking Beanie Baby executives that surpasses sales quotas. It took me seven months and over thirty thousand dollars to track her down, but it was worth it. She has the cutest little bear nose, sometimes I just want to eat it up.

TBIAB: Word up.

Copyight 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Barry Bonds' Shocking Confession: "It Was The Hemorrhoids."

Record-breaking 2001 Season is Forever Tarnished

In a posting on his personal website, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds confirmed speculation that he did indeed have hemorrhoids during the magical season in which he hit seventy-three homeruns. For years Bonds has lived under a tarnished reputation as a player who succeeded by cheating, and for years Bonds has denied any wrongdoing - until Monday.

"I'm tired of running from the press, I'm tired of living a lie to the fans," the internet posting read in part. "I hit seventy-three homeruns because I had hemorrhoids, and only because I had hemorrhoids. Without them, I could not have performed at the level I did. I am ashamed on this day, and will be forever haunted by those 'roids. I know my legacy is tarnished, and I have myself and the 'roids to blame."

Bonds falls into a grey area, given the current high standards of testing in Major League Baseball, and may actually escape any punishment whatsoever. When Bonds had the 'roids, the league was not yet testing for them. Now, with Bonds on the verge of breaking sports' most vaunted record - Hank Aaron's lifetime homerun mark of 755 - Bonds says he's ready to play it straight. But MLB is not exactly happy about the record being eclipsed.

"He took advantage of a loophole in the rules because we weren't on the lookout, and his performance as a player was enhanced due to the 'roids," said MLB spokesman Adrian Crone. "Most certainly, there were other players with 'roids, but I don't think any of them benefitted like Bonds did. Except Mark McGwire. And Sammy Sosa. And Brandy Anderson. And Jason Giambi. And Ivan Rodriguez. And Jose Canseco. And roughly forty-one percent of the league."


Bonds before the hemorrhoids in 1992; After the hemorrhoids in 2002

Since Bonds was clean of 'roids by the time testing was implemented, he will continue to play for the San Francisco Giants this season at a salary of over $15 million, and will continue to persue the homerun title. Bonds says his days of cheating are over, and now he's ready to play for a World Series title.

"I now know that 'roids are not the path to victory, and real glory lies in hard work," Bonds' statement read. "As a five-time MVP, I can say that all future records will be broken by a hemorrhoid free Barry Bonds."

Hank Aaron, now living in rural Georgia, says he does not know how Bonds' announcement will affect him. "Remember when I hit the record breaking homerun and those two white guys came out and ran the bases with me? What the hell was that all about?" Aaron said in a released statement.

"Get out of my house, white boy," Aaron added.

Whether Bonds breaks the record and ends up in the Hall of Fame is yet to be decided, but a cloud will forever hang over the head of Barry Bonds and his 'roids.

Copyright 2007
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Barack Obama Confirms: "I'll Change My Name Immediately."

Winner of 'Rename Obama' Myspace Contest Will Rewrite History

After formally announcing his intention to seek a presidential nomination Barack Obama says he knows his name can potentially hurt a bid for the Oval Office - as of this writing, 29% of Americans think his name is pronounced 'Iraq Osama'. In an effort to boost his chances of landing in the oval office, Obama will change his name immediately, pending the results of a Myspace contest sponsored by Pepsi.

"I'm hoping this will clear up any confusion," Obama said in a written statement. "I am not a terrorist, that is Osama Bin Laden. Also, contrary to what some people may think, my first name is not Iraq. That is a country in which we are currently waging war. Barack is my first name, not just Obama. I don't just have a one word name like Cher, or Sting. I know my name causes confusion and anger, so I've decided to legally change my name forever."

In a recent Gallop/USA Today poll, most Americans were unsure about who Barack Obama was:

49% - Terrorist leader who organized 9/11

27% - The statue in Iraq the Marines pulled down on TV

11% - Kick return specialist that played for Notre Dame in the early 90's

11% - Kick return specialist that played for the Toronto Argo's in the mid-90's

2% - That black Senator who might actually be president

Barack Bin Obama, catching a smoke break

Campaign manager Walt Kirch said it was Obama that ultimately decided to approach Myspace and have them run the contest.

"He started a Myspace page, and then he found a few friends from grade school on there. And then he found some old girlfriends and after that he wouldn't shut up about Myspace," Kirch said. "He was on there all the time, updating his page with pictures of Justin Timberlake and shit. It was embarassing."

Obama counters that the Myspace experience allows him to connect with young voters in a way never before experienced. "Just last week, 'HannahHeart' and I were IMing about her relationship with '420Mstr4life'. He totally wanted to do it but they've only been dating for three weeks and she was buggin," said Obama."So we chatted and worked things out. I think of it as one more vote for me, come November next year. Two votes if things work out with that '420' guy."

Myspace, owned by Fox News Corp., was more than happy to oblige. The 'Rename Obama' contest is now in it's third week, with more than 500,000 suggested new names for Barack Obama. The contest is expected to generate millions for Obama and his campaign. In exchange for the revenue, a binding contract with the site guarantees that Obama will legally change his name to whichever entry gets the most votes. As of this writing, the current top five are:

1.) Bombdigga Nigga (1,062,945 votes)

2.) Orlando Bloomz Hawt (936,855 votes)

3.) John Obama Kennedy (832,178 votes)

4.) Nugg Huffer (831,420 votes)

5.) Cracker H8ter (799,666 votes)

Obama says he hopes his new name will give him 'street cred' with the younger demographic, where he knows loyalty is all about image.

"We started a rumor that I killed a man that hassled my wife at a Fifty Cent concert," Obama said happily. "That should earn a few points with those young pricks."

Copyright 2007

Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

The TBIAB Interview: A Hardcore Chat with Michael Jackson

TBIAB: Hi Michael, how are you?

Jackson: Shamontastic.

TBIAB: You just came back to America after a long time spent in Dubai. You left the country after beating the scandalous charges against you, and some say more lawsuits are coming. There's only one question we all really an answer to. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Jackson: (softly) Yes...and I've been thinking hard about how I would answer that question. (pause) I don't think the Bears' Cover 2 defense can really be an effective weapon against the balanced passing attack of Peyton Manning. Their secondary is a liability and there are too many open holes for the receivers. Plus, with a pussy like Grossman under center, you have to spot the Colts ten point right off the bat. I think the Colts will win by double digits.

TBIAB: Really? I didn't expect you to say that.

Jackson: I never thought I would hear myself say that. I love the Bears more than anything in the world. Even more than my pet snake, Muscles. Now they're in the big show, Superbowl Sunday, and I just know they're going to fuck it up.

TBIAB: How does that make you feel?

Jackson: I think it would be a different story if Indy hadn't tightened up their run defense come playoff time. They gave up almost two hundred yards a game over the last four games, or some shit like that. The fucking Panthers ran all over them in, like, week thirteen. But now all the sudden they're a steel curtain.

TBIAB: Hmm.

Jackson: Plus, with Mathis and what's his face, Schobel, coming in from the sides on a pretty wicked pass rush, Grossman will be toast. I think the only hope they have is the running game. For reals. If Jones and Benson can get some early yardage, not turn the ball over and run the clock, maybe the defense can stop Manning. I mean, Jones had like twelve hundred yards this season, or some shit like that. Benson's no joke either. That nigga can run.

TBIAB: Are you going to the game?

Jackson: No, I'm only legally allowed in three states. Idaho, Montana and Alaska.

TBIAB: Anything to say to your fans around the world?

Jackson: Fuck the Superbowl. Colts by 13.

TBIAB: Shamon.


Jackson, robed.

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

The TBIAB Interview: One Question with Tom Cruise

TBIAB: Hi Tom, how have you been?

Cruise: (jumping up and down on a couch) It's been an amazing year with the new Mission Impossible movie and meeting Katie and having our little baby which we don't actually speak to or even look at because the Scientology rules clearly state that giving attention to a baby can hurt it's chances for reaching total freedom within the process of auditing so we keep her in a little black box for most of the day and once every evening a supervising Thetan from the church comes and brings her out of the box for a quick cleaning and to make sure her brain is on the course for an eventual audit of her soul because we're hoping she is relatively free of engrams and implants but since she's my daughter and I am the Jesus of Scientology we're hoping that I'll develop some superpowers through a vigorous implementation of the Arc Triangle and excercise and vitamins and I've already started to be able to see through walls and doors without opening them so hopefully soon I'll be able to shoot some sort of Xenu soul ray from my fingertips that can heal the sick and clothe the poor and help me to reach the Trementina Base sometime in my 60s and from there I will alleviate all of humankind from the shackles of traditional religion and bring everyone in to the fold of my own special brand of Scientology in which I will be the supreme leader on a journey to self enlightenment and if you don't believe in this process then you're just glib.

TBIAB: Thanks Tom, you're a deuschbag.


Cruise, shooting a Xenu soul ray from his fingertips

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

The TBIAB Interview: Three Minutes with Stephen Hawking

TBIAB: Mr Hawking, your remarkable ability to live with Lou Gherig's disease is truly a miracle. Do you hope they will change the disease to your name after you die?

Hawking: (pause) What...kind...of..question...

TBIAB: In gauge theories, we now know that perturbation theory breaks down at strong coupling - thanks to your brilliant research. How did you feel after discovering this?

Hawking: (pause) Wait...I...want...to...

TBIAB: Okay then. We asked our readers to write in with questions, and the one we got most often was this: Can you have sex? And if so, what kind of sex can you have?

Hawking: (gurgle)

TBIAB: The second most received question from the readers was this: Will the perturbations of the Euclidean instanton have finite action if and only they obey a Dirichelet boundary condition at the singularity horizon?

Hawking: (pause) Where...is...my...

TBIAB: In 1978, you said: "In the semi classical approximation, which turns out to be very good, the dominant contribution, comes from metrics near solutions of the Euclidean field equations. So we need to study deformed four spheres, in the effective theory obtained by dimensional reduction of eleven dimensional supergravity, to four dimensions. These Kaluza Klein theories, contain various scalar fields, that come from the three index field, and the modulie of the internal space. For simplicity, I will describe only the single scalar field case." Please elaborate.

Hawking: (pause) Please...don't...do...

TBIAB: Yes, your fans will love that too. Now getting back to your personal life, Debbie R. from Tulsa says she's your biggest fan, and wants to know if you'll be her date at the 2007 Tulsa High School prom! Sounds like someone has a groupie. What do you say, Mr. Hawking.

Hawking: (pause) This...is...so...

TBIAB: Sounds like a 'yes' Debbie. Last question - When you're dead and gone, would you rather be remembered for your groundbreaking scientific work, or your crippling, creepy disease?

Hawking: (pause) You...fucking....

TBIAB: Thank you too, Mr. Hawking. Keep on trucking!


Hawking, smiling

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Mick Jagger Donates Lips to African Village

'Joyless, Lipless Oprhans Rejoice; Hope to Whistle Again'

The tiny African nation of Nh'Rombia has always held a special place in Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger's heart - he bought most of it in 1974 for tax purposes and has visited it "at least maybe twice" since. Now that the residents are embroiled in a civil war, Jagger has been pressed by the public to do more for the people of Nh'Rombia than send leftover Stones tour t-shirts every eleven years.

His response has been enormous, as Jagger announced he would donate his lips, in full, over the next four years to Nh'Rombia. The official statement, issued through his publicist Ian Thrute, said in part: 'I know me lips have gotten me to stardom, now I want Africa to 'ave that stardom in their mouths.' The statement later read, 'Take that, Bono.'

Also specified in the statement were details on how the lips were to be used - with Jagger specifically calling out an orphanage in the remote, barren wasteland where he once used the bathroom in 1981. "Those orphans looked so hungry," Jagger recalled, "and then I went and did coke on my private lear jet with David Bowie."


Jagger: 'I'm sexier than Jesus.'

While many laude Jagger's bold philanthropic move, doctors are quick to point out that Jagger's lips may not be clean enough to pass standards even for rural Africa. "Those lips, whoa man," said Dr. Ron Freaming, Cheif Resident of Internal Medicine, Liverpool. "Can you imagine how may sets of genitalia those lips encountered? It could be in the thousands, ten thousands. And I doubt he used dental dams."

A former Stones groupie, Jane Kune, even started a website to join with others that felt his lips were unsafe for African orphans - http://www.mickslipsmycrotch.org/ .

"I know how hard those kids have it, and I know they need lips," said Kune, who slept with Jagger over a period of several days in 1980, "but to put it in perspective, Mick and me were once crammed in a Studio 54 bathroom stall with Truman Capote, Cher and Elton John. And everyone got a piece of Mick's lips that night."

But the National Organization of African Orphans (NOAO) says it will gladly take the lip windfall. "There are diamond traders that will cut off the lips of workers that talk too much, they just pull the children off the streets and force them to work twenty hours a day. And they also have poor health insurance coverage," said Rd'Hduya Jana, a NOAO member and orphanage manager. "We have rooms and rooms of lipless, hopeless kids that would step over their own mothers for a chance to whistle again."

Copyright 2007
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Joey Lawrence, Keanu Reeves to Battle In 'Whoa-Off'

"Whoa."

-Joey Lawrence, Blossom

"Whoa."

- Keanu Reeves, "The Matrix"

Most Hollywood insiders are privy to the long-standing feud between 80's sitcom-hunk Joey Lawrence and 90's slacker-hunk Keanu Reeves.The feud, which is a decades-long clash over who has rights to the catchphrase 'whoa', has been tabloid fodder for years. Reeves has made no secret his hatred for Lawrence, often referring to him as 'dancing monkey-boy' during interviews, and once even claiming that he would 'kill Joey Lawrence until he's dead' during a Rolling Stone interview in 1993.

It seems now the two actors will have a chance to face off in person, as reports have surfaced of a Lawrence vs. Reeves 'whoa off' at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Both actors have relied heavily on the catchphrase 'whoa' and have invested a great deal of time and effort in developing their delivery. Lawrence opted for a more 'dumb jock' approach, while Reeves relied on a 'idiot stoner' intonation. Although a date has not been set, publicists for both Lawrence and Reeves are not denying the event.

"Joey Lawrence immortalized the catchphrase 'whoa' when he starred in the sitcom Blossom," said Lawrence's agent Phil Freeney. "If you remember, whenever Joey's character Joey would get some heavy news, or learn something interesting, or see a hot girl, he would utter the great line 'whoa'. It brought delight to people all over the world. Then Keanu bastardized the phrase by bringing it to his Bill and Fred movies, and The Matrix. It seemed unoriginal then, and it's unoriginal now - three Matrix movies later."

Added Freeney, "He's a dick, too."

Joey Lawrence during his Hunk years

Reeves' agent, Gloria Wholen, said Keanu is quite passionate about his catchphrase and he would do anything to protect its integrity. "When Keanu first broke out the 'whoa' in 1989, the world was going through a tought time. The Tiananmen Square Massacre had just happened in China, and America was dealing with the end of the Cold War. Keanu brought smiles to millions of faces and lips with that catchphrase. It his his and only his. Anyone else who utters that word is an imposter."

According to Wholen, when Reeves got word that Lawrence was using his own version of 'whoa' on Blossom, he went 'apeshit'.

"I've never seen Keanu destroy a hotel room, at least while he was sober, and that night he absolutely trashed his room at the Chateau Marmot in New York city," Wholen said. "When I finally reached him, he was sweating, shaking and bloddy from shattering a mirror. All he could do was look up at me and cry. That catchphrase was his whole career."

The rest, as they say, is Hollywood history. Reeves sued Lawrence in 1990 to retain rights of the phrase, but lost in district court when a judge ruled the catchphrase was 'not unique to either actors' vocabulary'. The judge also noted that 'both actors could benefit from expanding their verbiage and learning some new words that have multiple syllables.

Reeves, shirtless and hunky

Years passed as the actors careers took different paths - Reeves went on to make the Matrix trilogy, while Lawrence spent much of his time lamenting his own declining popularity. Lawrence even went to far as to book a mall tour in 1993, 'The Whoa Show', which was cancelled after three dates due to poor ticket sales after fans discovered he would merely point at things in the mall and say 'whoa'.

In 1999, Lawrence hit rock bottom as Reeves rode his 'whoa' to stardom in the first of the Matrix movies.

"When I saw the commercial for The Matrix on tv, I was living with my parents and delivering pizzas for Dominoes. My career was in shambles and my wife had just left me for my younger brother. Then I saw Keanu's fat face saying my line, and it became the new catchphrase for the whole movie," said Lawrence. "That's when I decided I had to do something."

And do something he did. Lawrence wasted no time in contacting boxing promoter Don King, and presented an idea to get his life back on track, and win back his beloved catchphrase - a 'whoa off' with Reeves. King declared the idea 'somewhat brilliant' and set about contacting Reeves' people. As it turns out, Reeves was not at all interested in the opportunity.

"I spent the better part of 1999 and 2000 trying to get Keanu to commit to this battle, and he wouldn't even return my calls," King said. "Then just last week, his chauffer called and said it was on. I haven't been this excited since Tyson ate Holyfield's ear."

Details of the battle are not confirmed, but the Staples center has been booked for the night of December 29th under the ominous title of 'W.O.', which could stand for 'whoa-off'.

Copyright 2006
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Hayley Joel Osment to Release Rap Album From Prison

I used to see niggaz/they was already dead

but now to get it done/I put a bullet in d'ey head

I see dead niggaz in my head, bitch

-Haley Joel Osment 'Dead Niggaz'

Hollywood star Hayley Joel Osment, best known for his role in The Sixth Sense, will soon be releasing a rap album from Lancaster prison, where he is serving an extended sentence for DUI and drug charges. Osment was arrested July 20th after losing control of his 1995 Saturn and flipping it over a mailbox embankment.

Osment, who now goes by H-JOB ("Haley Joel Osment, Bitch"), contacted his agent Frank Cress from Lancaster prison to announce the 'drop' of his new album, H-JOB: yankin'.

According to Cress, the album was recorded by a 'notable, famous, incarcerated ex-record producer' and all the lyrics were written by H-JOB, who drew upon his own life experiences for inspiration.


H-JOB and friend

"We're talking about an actor who struggled through the shooting of the movie A.I.," said Cress, referring to the wretched Spielberg film about a boy robot. H-JOB starred in the film, and drew criticism that his acting had become stiff and robotic. "That's the first time I knew that Osment, H-JOB, was hitting the bottle and the bong. What I didn't know was that he had this treasure trove of wonderful rap lyrics in him along with the Henessey and weed smoke."

Many associated with H-JOB on the outside had questions about the events leading up to the crash and most centered around why H-JOB, a multi-million dollar Hollywood star, was driving a 1995 Saturn. A source close to the actor/prisoner said H-JOB frequently stole 'normal-people cars' on his way out to night of drinking, just so he could crash them while driving home drunk.


A ‘normal-people car’ much like the one H-JOB crashed


Friends of H-JOB were startled to find that prison had changed the cute little boy that many affectionately referred to as 'Hay-Hay'. Tom Hanks, who worked with H-Job briefly on Forrest Gump, said he has heard advanced copies of the album. "I have nothing to say about Hay-Hay," said Hanks.

Cress said H-JOB is stil trying to figure out how to get H-JOB: yankin' out of his prison cell and into record stores. "We're trying to get permission for Osment, H-JOB, to open a MySpace account from prison so he can start a Yankin' page. We'll see how that goes."

Copyright 2006
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

$157M Budget for Film Version of 'Goodnight Moon'

Beloved children's story has Scorsese, Hanks

Oscar buzz is already surrounding the film adaptation of 'Goodnight Moon', a book that has lulled perhaps millions of children to sleep since 1947. And although production has not yet started, there is already chatter around Hollywood about the upcoming film, with a star-studden cast anchored by Tom Hanks as the insomnia-stricken rabbit in bed, and Renee Zelwegger as the old woman who was whispering 'hush'.

Legendary director Martin Scorsese, still hunting for his first Oscar win, hopes this time-honored story will finally bring him a victory.

"I thought we had it locked up with 'Gangs of New York' and even 'The Aviator'," said Scorsese of his recently acclaimed projects, "but I truly believe that 'Goodnight Moon' will be the lucky one that nabs us an Academy award.

Added Scorsese: "It [expletive] better."

Scorsese, photo outdated; Goodnight Moon was labeled a 'money-making blockbuster in waiting' by director Scorsese.

The film will also feature a record number of special effects shots, all produced by Industrial Light and Magic, the Marin, CA based company owned by George Lucas. In the past, ILM has worked on such global blockbusters as Star Wars, Jurassic Park and The Titanic, but Lucas is more excited about 'Moon' than anything else.

"Sure we did some ground-breaking work on the Star Wars franchise, and those Jurassic Park dinosaurs were pretty nifty," said Lucas. "But we think that our work on 'Goodnight Moon' will really position ILM at the forefront of today's digital special effects producers. Just wait until you see that 'bowl full of mush'. It's going to be truly amazing on the big screen."

Other special effects will include two little digital kittens, who get into an involved relationship with a pair of digital mittens.

"Those mittens are going to blow your [expletive] mind," said Lucas.

Most people are familiar with the basic premise of the book: a young rabbit has a hard time falling asleep one night, and under the watchful eye of the old woman who was whispering 'hush', the rabbit embarks on a night-long adventure of wishing objects in his bedroom goodnight. Scorsese has stated that the film, while holding true to the original story, will also have some extra elements added for dramatic flair.

"We are developing a relationship between the young rabbit and the old woman that delves deep into the past, and may shed some light on why he cannot fall asleep," said Scorsese. "There are perhaps some things that have happened to these two characters that were not quite implied in the book, but can draw out their relationship. We think it will be good for the young rabbit to explore why the old woman insists on whispering 'hush'."

Hanks was unavaialble for comment, but his publicist confirmed that this project has him, "eagerly awaiting a chance to explore the character of the young rabbit. He hopes it will bring out his true range as a thespian."

Copyright 2006
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

New Lesbian Movie to Ride 'Brokeback' Success

'Humpback Hill' tells touching story of Whale Killers'

The Gay and Lesbian community is once again in the glare of the Hollywood spotlight. After Brokeback Mountain took most of the important Academy Awards this year (and was robbed of the Best Picture trophy in a jaw-dropping upset loss to 'Crash'), we knew it was only a matter of time before studios were quick to sign and produce copycat scripts.

The first of these is the touching and explorative 'Humpback Hill', the introspective story of two eskimo lesbian whale poachers, starring noted lesbian actresses Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. This is the first film to feature dual lesbian costars that are in a relationship with each other, and both have 'De' in their last names.

"I've been looking for the perfect project that would accurately reflect how I feel about being a lesbian," said DeGeneres. "I think that playing a ruthless but tender whale killer is just the role. There's something profoundly powerful in killing a whale - it's such a big fish."

DeGeneres is largely regarded as one of the figureheads of the public lesbian community, along with Rosie O'Donnell, Dick Cheney's daughter and Elton John. Her tumultuous relationship and breakup with Anne Hecht was tabloid fodder for years. Hecht has since married a man and had children. "Let's just say these whales I'm killing represent asshole jerk-offs from my past," added deGeneres.

De Rossi said she took the film very seriously, and employed powerful method acting techniques. "I spent three weeks living among the A'aa'knak tribes in the Arctic Circle," De Rossi said. "Their way of life is fascinating, and I never thought I would find whale meat so tasty. [Ellen] and I are thinking of opening a whale-meat cafe in Malibu - if we can get it past the local health inspector."


DeGeneres and De Rossi at the ‘Humpback’ wrap party

The film opted for accuracy when it came to the large sea creatures, and the budget afforded three Humpback whales - which were kept teathered to an unused oil rig near the set in the north Atlantic ocean. "I don't know how they got that one past the animal rights groups," said DeGeneres. "But everyone was really great with the whales, I fed one of them baloney right out of my hand."Added DeRossi: "Those girl whales have some mighty vaginas."

The film, now in post production, will launch in L.A, New York and Provo, Utah on June 22nd.

Copyright 2006
Thisblogisabomb@gmail.com

Morgan Freeman Sex Tape Surfaces

Esteemed actor and Oscar Winner Morgan Freeman has turned up in an amateur internet sex video, apparently made at the actor's home sometime recently. The tape, dubbed 'F*ck me, I'm Morgan Freeman' is gaining popularity due to the high level of vulgarity and lewd talk that Freeman displays during the act of fornication. The makeshift title is a line uttered by Freeman during the tape, and yelled several times while he has intercourse. Freeman and his lawyer could not be reached for comment.


Freeman on the phone with his lawyer

Freeman, known to most for his syrupy-sweet drawling voice, has narrated and acted in many highly acclaimed films. To hear Freeman grunting about the size of his genitals, and pleading for his partner to engage in certain sexual acts, is startling. A simple Google search for ‘Morgan Freeman sex tape’ will take internet users right to a download.

“How old is he anyways?” asked college student Tyrus Cobb, who watched the video. “It was like watching my granddad bang a retired hooker.” Freeman’s sex partner appears to be an older fan, perhaps a mistress. Her hair is graying, and she cannot accommodate several sex positions requested by Freeman.

It is yet to be seen how this scandal will affect Freeman’s storied career. Other movie stars plagued by public sex scandals have varying degrees of success. Paris Hilton eventually signed a distribution deal for her sex video, and reaped millions. Freeman’s agent could not confirm, nor deny, that they would take the same path.

“We’ll have to see how the public reacts to the tape. I’ve seen it, and I think Morgan did some great work,” said Freeman’s accountant John Frunce. “For a man of his age to pull off some of those moves is truly amazing, and speaks volumes about his range as an actor.”

Copyright 2006
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